the moment i realize
(january 2020)
15 years old

she told me to look deep down
what really gets me going?
so i thought
i thought and thought and thought
but nothing.
nothing, nothing, nothing
then something. turns out i didn't have to look. it was there all along.
in my own house.
creeping around like a rat as if it's not supposed to be there.
you stood in front at me with nothing but pure anger in your eyes.
you pointed your finger and made me feel inferior.
i noticed there was absolutely no remorse in your eyes.
i crawled like a newborn child, up, up, up the stairs.
i was barely moving, traumatized by your words, reaching for an answer. why, why, why, why?
the moment i realize the effect you have on me i want to avoid you.
leave you, or something, anything!
but it's not possible.
no one would ever suspect you, and you know it. you take advantage of it.
because we share blood it means it's all just playful hazing.
teasing.
messing around.
they don't get it.
nervous pacing, back and forth.
i didn't want to, for what it's worth.
every day you come home smelling like garbage.
why do you do that stuff? it ruins you.
just like you ruin me.
saying you're a bad person is an understatement.
you're barely human. you're a robot, programmed to ruin lives.
why did you tell her? you're a drug.
you push people to the very edge and when they're about to fall you leave them for the dangerous dead down below.
tip, tip, tip, the edge, the edge, tip toe, tip toe, walking to the cliff, to the edge, to the edge, to the edge-
sigh.
you're the voice in my head telling me to do it.
i play it in my head. a hesitant jump. the colors of the wind blowing in my hair and my clothes and i screaming in unison and then SPLAT!
as i'm brought back into reality i stare into the sky as blue as my soul
i should've left while i had the chance.