i wish i didn't exist
death seems so pleasant, i just can't resist
i'm so clumsy, i fall, then i notice the feeling vanish
oh, no one will love you with all this baggage
reaching for anything to make me feel alive
nobody seems to be able to abide
don't tell me things i can't undersatnd
i realize more each day, this was so unplanned
stop looking at me like that
i can't focus, i can't concentrate
your face is stuck in my mind like somehow the line isn't straight
i told myself i wouldn't do this again
and i can't, i shouldn't, i won't
but there you stand, heart in your hands
i don't want to do this alone
glare
(3.6.20)
you don't look at me the same anymore
there's a glare in your eyes
i know what i did, but i don't want to
since then i struggle to realize
how am i supposed to go on like this?
do i force my memories to disappear?
now i'm down to one friend
no need to say more, you've made yourself clear
i apologize for my selfishness
and everything that came after
nothing comes out of your mouth now
before it was all playful banter
if i could only erase the past two weeks
do you know how amazing that'd be?
and trust me, i know, it was for the best
i'm sad but at least i'm free
i don't miss you
(3.12.20)
i don't miss you at all
i'm healing slowly, still thinking
how i made someone laugh and smile
is there any better feeling?
all i wanted was to make you happy
but you had other plans than to call
oh, that's not the worst of it
i'm dramatic, selfish, and it's all my fault
how can you say that?
you dropped me with no thought
what hapened to those late nights together?
i was stupid to think of you at all
it was fun while it lasted, though
for once, i looked forward to school
i came out knowing more than i did before
now i know i will never not be a fool
i remember
(9.10.20)
i remember every second of us
even the parts when you hated me
now you want to yell across the tent
what are you trying to do?
take a hint, 'cause i won't cooperate
i'm not sure what you want, but don't tell me
vent to her about your past relationships
and the things you went through at home
i have no memory, i don't recall
do you not want me to erase you?
or do you just want something to control,
because you know i don't want to let you go?
ballroom
(9.14+15.20)
here i frown in your ballroom gown
you lent it to me before you went
it fits right around my waist, just like you promised
at least there's one you kept
there's someone here that looks like you
her laugh not half as bright as yours
she's wearing a fawn bouffant dress
beautiful, but compared to you, a mess
i miss when you smiled at me and meant it
now, the ivory grin
if you hate me, you could at least be discreet
i might as well have been a stranger on the street
problem
(9.16.20)
what is your problem
can you let me enjoy a day
or is it in your rulebook to make me miserable
to the best of your ability
i'm here because i wanted a fresh start
i should've have even responded
the first hello, the first goodbye
it went to hell, i remember the moment
i should've have moved my hand in your direction
i should've stayed home that night
i should've have looked at your careless reflection
you abolished my darkness with your light
it's hard to describe what i'm feeling right now
before, you were what i looked forward to
you drain the life out of me, unapologetically
my heart is dispirited, painted black and blue
pinot noir
(9.24+25/28.20)
perhaps i misconstrued this foreign state of affairs
though my brain and heart conspired after your glaring eyes and i stared
knowing in every life i held your gaze it wouldn't possibly be the last time
gravity keeps me near and close to her bricks of fire within ice
we regret to inform you of this hapless series of events
i was deceived by a lying careless string of compliments
a horrifying display of something, i didn't know better
recognize my faint disguise, me and her together
reminisce
(9.30.20)
i don't want to reminisce
really, i'm drowning in helplessness
i miss when my small hours
weren't me holding my mouth closed
as not to utter a c h o k i n g s o b
while thinking about all the things i could have prevented
if i had
just
stayed
at that school
vex
(9.30.20)
out of the corner of my eye i see your hands run through your hair
i dared myself not to look at you but you're so pretty, it's unfair
recurring thoughts i'm trying to convince are meaningless
you got in my head, are you happy?
you've made me out to be a fool
every look i manage is like a stab with a kitchen knife
my augmenting vexation on account of gradual superfluous strife
ruthless stinging words delivered without apology
em
(9.30.20)
again and again and again and again
misdemeanor, misunderstanding, mistake
every look you send, i smile to no end
misleading the many tomorrows we'd make
torture
(10.5.20)
torture is worse than death
but you already knew that, right?
while i'm dragged down by the peak of your destruction
you hide in plain sight
even the monsters are scared of you
they hide under their own heads
your words shake them to their gruesome cores
they're ruined in their already messed up heads
as you walk, confidence in your favor
crows cower in fear
the vultures circles around themselves
their horrification radiates through the atmosphere
please be nice to me
(11.3.20)
i tried not to write another
but these thoughts are running rampard in my head
my days are good when you're nice to me
but i'd rather i don't be here instead
would you rather
(11.10.20)
don't give up just yet
but if you want to leave, say it
or tell me you've been waiting forever
and you're happy to end with this
i'm worried you know what's better for you
i now know more than what i want tonight
making memories till we're dead
would you rather say the truth, or say goodbye?
9 months
(11.16+17.20)
i can't believe it's almost been 9 months
9 months since you told me i was too complicated
8 months since you were blocked, i wanted to forget
7 months since i met someone and tried to get over you
6 months since i felt relieved school was finally over
5 months since the impulse, don't want you to recognize
3 months since songs i wrote continue to rot in my notes
2 months since i realized my heart doesn't want to let go
just a month since i almost fell in love in october
maybe i would've gotten over you
maybe it all would have been alright
really sorry
(11.18.20)
are you really sorry?
do you really want to talk?
i get three words and i'm a piece of paper
still ripped from the last time we spoke
you said a lot of stupid things
i know, they're still engraved in my brain
every single word, nearly memorized
too weak to endure even bliss before inevitable pain
name, date, location
(11.20.20)
smile at me again
i swear i'll smile back
i was just in shock
not quite disdistraught, i took too much time
before you looked down
and i remembered where i was
name date location
name date location
namedatelocatison
named aton lcoation
l namerndaskjtffasleionlsocjatiofsvxn
golden hair
(unknown)
when you're in the room i think i break down
golden hair moving around
the window is open, the breeze takes control
when you laugh i believe you're laughing at me
for a moment i can see everything perfectly
why you did it, why you left, why you no longer care
'cause you're with her now and i'm ...
crumble
(12.?.20)
and then everything came crumbling down
you looked like you just got shot
the corners of my mouth leaned into a frown
while she was the opposite of distraught
those few months were hell on earth
how in the hell do you not understand
your eyes were golden and i was frozen
captivated by your blazing glance
Just Don't Look
(1.5.21)
tell me why i'm so entranced
and why i had to scream in my head at myself
JUST
DON'T
LOOK
tell me why our glaces come and go
but i can't bring myself to say hello
i feel if i look in your eyes too long
you'll realize there's somewhere else you belong
scared
(1.6.21)
i'm not scared of you
but of what you do to me
almost a year later and my hands still tremble slightly
just the thought of you, too - it's unexplainable
and i hate it
but i don't
because there's no one else
who has come close
to capable
and it was good
(1.6.21)
i love seeing you happy
and when you're sad it breaks me
i wish they didn't care, i wish they understood
i wish God made us amd saw that it was good
i wish they knew why when you look at me i can't think of anything to say
i wish you could interpret these feelings i can't convey
i wish you had it in you not to say things you don't mean
sometimes i wish we had something they couldn't come between
sprinkles of heaven
(1.7.21)
your words are sprinkles of heaven onto me
what else is there to do but wait
for the feeling of distress to go away
but i'm still shakily breathing after a quarter
my thoughts backing me into a corner
and i'm frozen
heart outside my chest cracked open
mean what you say, say what you mean
the weight of your words under and over me
attention
(1.7+8.21)
how's it feel to always have my attention?
you're a starring role when you should be an extra
spotlight on you, every time without fail
am i reaching for something that's just not there?
spite
(1.8.21)
there's a ringing in my ear when you talk to me
i try to ignore it every time you say hello
it's unclear whether you're doing it on purpose
maybe just to spite me
or maybe you don't quite know
why this girl in front of you is unsure
if she wants you to leave her heart alone
familiar
(1.8/14.21)
if i sleep here, will you appear in my dream?
just like most nights, a familiar scene
you called me over, and i went, you said "do you feel what i feel?"
what a pathetic shame i thought any of it was real
false contentment
(1.20+21.21)
and if i'm not a hand to hold for you
what am i but disappointment
if i dare jump despite fear and the risk of fallen excitement
if i reach and you retract, one more time after the fact
they will all witness false contentment
'twas
(1.28+29.21)
'twas every note of apparent unseen glances
i was unaware friendship looked like that
still being shown colors i've never had the pleasure of meeting
when i look in your eyes and my days are given meaning
is it disappointing i still wish you everything i want?
am i powerless just because of the fact?
when i confess the feeling i possess remains repeating
does it influence at all, whichever way you're leaning?
do my eyes make you hope for the best in my reply?
do you stand heedless or aware of the unsaid pact?
it was all unsaid, a few words not enough
for your presence leaves me completely undone
in circles
(2.6.21)
you're circling my mind
we're just so undefined
i still lose breath
over you, the one
who wasted
my time
prayer
(3.7.21)
and i won't listen to you
'less you recite the only prayer i know you ever knew
and you know it too
it's gaping at you with wide eyes, no feeling less than completely true
it grew, and like the coward in you
tagged out to let sins sit askew
a terrible abomination we were, even though it felt right in the moment
turns out it doesn't matter at all
if you end up in hell
free
(5.18.21)
for once i do not feel suffocated
polluted water does not attempt to consume me
my mind is not a dungeon of my own doing
i have control over the things that want to end me
too many butterflies is a harmful experience
when they are blindly in love, they can kill
no mercy for the being they inhabit
you can only hope they will
you no longer cut my heart with your own words of knives
it does not take eons for the painful beat to subside
you look at me
you still.
and i do not flutter in my core
false visions do no recognize you anymore
f r e e
secrecy
(5.24.21)
I've been sworn to secrecy.
My heart waves with its steel hands
can't risk F A L L I N G
a p a r t
break ing
Goodbye, Goodbye, I will not dwell on your absence,
heldtogetherby STAPLES and elementary glue.
but I do not feel anger
nor resentment, nor regret
my heart just breaks for him
or whatever i have left of it
her eyes
(4.7.22)
her eyes are little suns
their rays beam and blind me
grudge upon us, fault of none
is that correct, my life and death in one?
her cheeks are gentle rose gardens
their thorns spread and prick me
my shell cracks while her shell hardens
are you past that bittersweet uncertainty?