It was the first day of sophomore year.
I recognized you from a state test we took at the end of the previous year.
They sat us by surname alphabetical order and ours started with the same letter.
You were across from me but I wasn't hypotized yet.
I considered saying something to you but I decided against it.
Then, three months later, there you were.
I wrote my first poem about you on the second day of school.
You were a friend of a friend of mine, but I didn't realize it right away.
I told her, and I remember her getting excited and asking if we talk.
No, we don't talk, friend.
I just stare at him from across the room in class and race across the school to see his face for 3 seconds. I found your Instagram through stalking my friend.
There was a video of you at the public pool and you were tagged in it.
Usually, I wouldn't even try to let my crush know I existed.
But I already felt like I was going crazy.
So I requested to follow you.
I put my phone away and didn't look at it for hours, not until near the end of the school day.
You had accepted it, but you didn't follow back.
At the time, you were following 277 people.

Homecoming. I would not say it was better than the year before.
You looked so good, and I was thinking it the whole time, as my eyes followed your red shirt.
Instead of a tie, you were wearing a bowtie, which I thought fit better with the shirt anyway.

One day when I raced to see you, I was looking at you when you laughed.
Your smile was so gorgeous, I started smiling too.
I stared down after that because I looked like an idiot.
I had no one to tell, but it's okay.
That's why I write poems.

the first time
(9.4.19)

the first time i saw your face
you stuck out to me
across from me you sat
you didn't say a word
should i say something
it'd probably be beneficial
but i know that i won't
it's in the past, growing in my mind a little
so i guess you could say i was surprised
when, three long months later, i saw you again
sitting all alone, waiting for someone
someone that doesn't exist
i didn't go over for one small reason
i would've shot and devastatingly missed

can someone?
(9.4.19)

can someone tell me
how do you find someone that loves you back?
someone tell me
how do people even know who you are?
can someone tell me
tell me it's my fault
'cause i'm not sure
i don't think that'll ever change

someone tell me
why am i the only one
he doesn't
see

i swear
(9.4.19)

it'll never happen but i swear
i've never wanted anything more
i hold my breath when in the halls i pass you
i pray that you've noticed me before

ouch
(9.6.19)

all day i looked forward to it
nervous but excited to meet
but you didn't care one bit, not at all
that night i cried, tears made of defeat

reject me
(9.?.19)

i thought i saw you looking at me
was i right or was it in my mind?
i wonder if she told you what i think of you
how i look back after you walk by
maybe i only saw it because i wanted to
but it was so clear to me
you smile just a bit and my heart explodes
while i'm showing no emotion
in my head i'm screaming
saying, "why do you see right through me?"
yet you're still ignoring me and leaving

i'm completely and utterly invisible
at least to you that is
what am i missing? i'll do anything to know
reject me so my heart feels cold

while i'm dreaming
(9.20-21+26.19)

it's dark outside at this time tonight
almost midnight now as i turn out the light
i climb into bed and am rid of my sight
praying that i dream of you so i just might
as false visions appear i smile in my sleep
of course you're there, making my body weak
but you don't reciprocate, so my feelings i keep

while i'm dreaming you do things you would never do
like keep contact with me while i stare at you
in my dreams i'm laughing while your arm rests on my shoulder
you give me your jacket because without it i'm colder
i can't resist you when you just exist
i try to but my heart delicately persists

colors and shades of black, grey, and beige
my heart feels alone but its locked in a cage
as my eyes flutter open reality hits
i think you might know the feelings i emit

follower
(9.27.19)

you're moving
you don't know it but i do
you aren't here to hear
i wish you were
and yesterday you didn't bother to move
you didn't bother to follow
though i wanted you to
i guess you didn't want to be a follower
yet there's two hundred and seventy seven

one month on the dot
(10.3.19)

i'm just trying to know you
why won't you let me?
i feel as though something could happen
but you're so resistent
it's been a month now
and you still won't let me know
if you don't want me, tell me
i know that you know
i blush and stumble over my words
but you have no idea
where would i even start?


love is dead
(9.18.19 S-P)

the days lurk behind me
hurting on purpose
they sneak up one by one
and tell me i'm not worth it

love is dead
so you tell me you won't love me until
it's not instead
i long for you
but it'll never be more
'cause i'm nervous and unsure

accept the horror
of being without love
and you will be
so far above your head

love is dead
so you tell me to wait without words
i tried to to be able to do nothing but it
could never compare

breaking on purpose
my feelings behind me
they sneak up all at once and they
tell me you feel the same

so which do i believe?
the one i want or the one i know is true?

Pre Pre Prom
(10.10.19)

you look like hell with sprinkled heaven over every part of you
the red, i couldn't miss, when you're the only one i see in the room
pretty bowtie, stupid dreams
let go of them but don't let go of me
you looked alone, the odd one out
could i try to fit?
i promise you won't regret it
i drown out the sounds, and everything else
in the back at a movie theater
my legs across your lap
you don't care, we're past that point
then all i hear is a tap
back to the real world, i see
though i don't want to be
'cause in this world you're still in red
and i am not

your smile {oh my word}
(11.4.19)

my mouth immediately expands
people stare at me but i can't stop grinning
i lock down and cover it with my hand
but my mind is everywhere & the world is spinning
i want to tell someone but no one wants to hear
they wave me away 'cause they're heard too much today
my laugh starts to fade and my excitement disappears
but my heart is still racing like a car on the freeway

proximity
(11.21.19)

i am done hurting myself
though deep down i don't want to be
she's right, i haven't said a word to you
we're at least in close proximity
is ignoring your thing? are you easy to talk to?
i wouldn't know, you ignored me
maybe i just have to be patient
or maybe it's just not meant to be
once you realize something, you can't look at it the same way
when i cried for hours and then nothing

studying you
(1.7.19)

your hair looked different today
it was messy but put together
your smile was nonexistent today
are you okay?
yesterday i saw your eyes well up
i noticed, don't try to lie
you played it off with a nervous smile
i should've said hi

i wonder what you were listening to today
your favorite song to drown out the voices?
at the end you walked and i walked behind
your hands fell with poise
i wonder what it's like to be you
what goes on in your mind
there's no way of knowing, i suppose

do you ever think of me?

sunflower
(1.14.19)

sunlight to my sunflower
would you ever volunteer?
you're impossible to crack,
not that it would matter here
would you see me as the butterfly
that lands on you with power?
fixated on your petals
i notice everything, flower

you think you have a chance?
(1.14.19)

please don't ever look at him
you'll just get in your head
he'll notice and then glance at you
but you'll mistake it and feel dead
your heart will jump out of your chest
and rose rushes to your cheeks
get over it, this has gone on too long
it's been 17 and a half weeks

please don't look him up and down
don't think too long, he'll come up
you'll think you have a chance

heinous
(1.21.19)

it's heinous of you to somehow act like you don't have a clue
spacious in my brain, but most of it is you
i look at you every chance i get
sometimes you look at me

school crush
(1.22.19)

i've been making progress, i swear
but your voice still repeats in my head
your face flashes bright at random times
i've been trying to look ahead

after seventh period i run out of class
i might see you if i rush
sometimes i miss you, but that's okay
it only would've been 2 seconds anyway

i'm sure
(1.28.19)

i'm done with you, i'm sure
your name doesn't make my heart race much anymore
one day i'll be totally fine
seeing you with a heart that isn't mine
i'm sure