I am the pageant queen painting on my last face
If I were to scream, would you hear me and please save me from this place?
If I cannot live with myself, why would I expect that from anyone else?
Can you see my message? Can you see the sky? sky writing
I wrote in bars with my lovesick guitar no i didn't
This is my way of pleading in the dark

I am a doll gluing on my last nail
If I were to glue my mouth shut, would that be too far?
If I cannot live with myself, how can I expect that from anyone else?
Can you see my messages? Are you reading my story?
I write in pages and I hide behind songs
Never been so sure I felt that for anyone
Tell her I'm sorry
I'm so so sorry

I shout from every bridge and every decoy
Cars don't stop unless they make noise
More and more days I cry out for a wish
Tell me I'm not okay, I swear I won't resist when i tell you how i feel
They slide through your brain
You don't get it
You never got it

Give me a reason
Give me a reason
Give me a reason
Give me a reason

here i am at ten hoping i don't fall again
not that it'd be the worst thing in the world to go
here's your voice again, screaming every word again
hands on my ears as i wish everything was different

i leave in time
the note is mine
5 on the dot
walking on the road as i cry
his car drives by
"do you need a quick ride?"
i don't care about anything so i don't decline passive suicidal ideation

here i am at twelve
white room in a white bed the hospital
i'm starting to regret what i told them thoughts of hurting yourself or others?
the blame starts again
gaslit dreams
i need a friend
someone, anyone
i pushed you away

i did this to myself
they can't do anything to help
i shut my eyes so tight
i wished i bled out
lock it in a safe place she didn't
everything's a weapon if it breaks
i'd find a way

i'm doing this to myself
i don't ever need your help
shutting my eyes so tight
i hope i bleed out
how would i do it, you say?
everything's a weapon when it breaks
i'll find a way

too soon
january
fifteen how old i am now
waiting

too late
january
sixteen how old i will be when i do it
hanging

I do remember spending my hours on miles folded into nothing wasting time with pointless things
I do acknowledge now, years staying around someone I know could've done much better Princess Carolyn, Todd, Diane, pretty much anyone in his life; the Definition of a Burden
I can surely say how you rearranged and hid it away
So what was all that far if I'm gone now?

But at least you don't get to tell me that I'm being selfish
And you don't get to tell me I should have told you this
And you don't have to forgive me for the thousandth time everyone in his life AGAIN, the Definition of a Burden again
But I'll be around thinking about
The view from halfway down

I do recall when I snapped at your kindness
Leave me alone, I don't want you here
I think about how I pushed through
I wish you could've been there to see me
his father; Requiem
But at least you don't get to tell me that I'm being selfish
And you don't get to tell me I should have told you this
And you don't have to forgive me for the thousandth time
But I'll be around thinking about
The view from halfway down

I can't escape you at any corner
Turns out that I've destroyed myself
Will he forgive me? He keeps on punishing me he self sabotages
I'm afraid I'll never get what I need if I leave right now
But while you're around, I can't

'Cause you won't get to tell me I'm being selfish
And you won't get to tell I should have told you this
and DON'T YOU DARE forgive me for the thousandth time
But I'll always be around thinking about
The view from halfway down

When I am Finally gone
Rip my throat out and drown it in a pond
All my life's been leading to this
Leave me with the taste of fruit on my lips

When I can finally decide
When I can make up my mind
6 months counting leading to this
Drop me with a trace of fruit on my lips

'Cause I don't want to leave this place
With any possible trace of things that I hate i hate myself so... gotta get rid of it
I don't want to have to explain so i won't
If I'm selfish then you can complain
when you Dance on my Grave
dance on my grave

Sad eyes when I recoil from your touch
Still give me rocks that remind you of us
Goodbye never seemed so fair
Now you regret not asking why I rejected your care

I just want to leave this house that was never a home
You'll only care when I'm gone
I don't want to have to engage with a note that'll only explain you should never know the reason. you saw the signs, you just didn't want to believe what they were pointing to
why i'm deep in a grave

I do want to hold you tight, but you think I make excuses i want to have a good relationship with my mother but not MY mpther. not you. people think it's the phone's fault. even if it was, you are the one who bought one for an underdeveloped and susceptible brain.
The phone doesn't do it
I don't want to be here if you only care when I'm gone
when it's a girl that I'm on lmao you're so homophobic. you're one of those people who says "i'm not homophobic, i'm not scared of gays" ... just say you don't know what a word means, it's fine

i don't want to
i don't think i can
and i don't care
i don't care

I don't care if
you don't want me to leave this place why would i stay for you? you are the sole reason it started
The memories of you I have
are ones I want to erase

Can I even love someone
And not destroy it all?
If I'm Selfish Then You can Complain
when you scream at my grave

Wondering why I did it
Mother, I can't explain
Why I'm

Put on my shoes while I breathe in the smoke
'Cause my mother won't stop i understand addiction is incredibly difficult to break but it hurts so much seeing her hurting herself willingly
She says she's too far gone
And the weight of her words, they mean nothing when she doesn't try
And keeps hurting herself
It's a joke to say "love you" if you've been a liar why would i believe you? why would they believe me? why would anyone believe anyone? genuinely, why?
It's fine, though, I get it: You're tired with the dire
urge to be someone that you'll never be
just 'cause you couldn't control your temper i always wanted to be someone people thought of as nice but i'm cold and and i snap easily and so i gave up trying

The house that I live in's alive just to watch
Me on the floor and her screaming her head off
I tell him the story and he says he's not in the mood not exactly canon but this has happened with other things before and it makes me sad
But that's okay, 'cause I should've known
It's a joke saying "I'm here for you" when you're somewhere else it's just funny to me how much humans lie and still think they're good people
And a crime to feel bad or remotely good about yourself people hate when you're confident and they hate when you're insecure
"The pain that you're feeling will end
So stay. I'll only have little"people always say to stay because "people love you". they are asking me to be in misery for their sake. it is ridiculous. it's not about you. it's MY life. these are the same people that would say living for someone else isn't healthy. everyone is a hypocrite.

No, don't tell me to let it go
I see you put on a show
When I say that I like you so much I can't breathejust tell me the truth
No, don't dare say you were afraid
That's something someone would say
When the truth's too unbearable
I know I can't blame you, I'd probably freak out anywaybeing afraid because you like someone TOO MUCH is the stupidest reason for ending things. if they told me the truth though, it might have been worse.

Hearing your kindness is like daggers in chests
'Cause everyone likes you, they don't know the restwatching my sibling interact with people as a normal person while i'm the only one who knows what she did
And the silence you break means you don't want to take
The time for sorry and confessions and all that shh

No, don't tell me this is a grudge
I see you try not to judge
when I say that she burned me till I couldn't breathei don't think my friend truly believed me when i told them the effect my sibling had on me. they only knew the good. she died with them only knowing the good. they got to grieve a pure soul while i am in conflict with myself.
No, don't dare say that I was the fool
I saw a light behind her cruelness
Believe me, I tried to find hate in my hearti could never hate the person that made me want to die. why?

Oh, no, don't tell me I would be selfishmy uncle that said suicide was selfish. i have never forgotten it and i'll never forgive him for it
You make it harder to admit
I feel so unworthy
'Cause I'd rather not be called names

It's a joke to say "love you" when you've been a liari feel like you don't believe me when i say it anymore. i wouldn't blame you
I'm guilty, I'm free
But just sometimes I miss you so much Miss you so much I can't breathe

Now that I'm alone in the eyes of society i am now expected to be completely independent and sent off to be an adult as if i was taught how
All the trees, they look like people I wish I'd known all the times my anxiety prevented me from relationships
And I'm afraid I'm home afraid this is the best it gets
If these are my best days, what's it matter if I'm grown?

All the time I lament it, leaving all my baggage at the corner
Oh, how I miss her I mourn you.
All the time I took to break this patterned look i tried to change
It turns out I'm the same
And people don't change

So why am I alive?
You know I've held this too long
Something's wrong now
And tell me how I'm so small in this paper world while they're so tall how do i feel like a giant and an ant at the same time?
And tell me when did my life begin? i blinked and i was an adult
Well, is it too late to accept my sin?

Now that I can fly
More of this for fifty years until I die you are delusional if you think i'm going to let myself be a victim to modern societal standards. i will not spend another ten years here
And what if I refuse?
If these are the "good times" that make life, I'd rather lose if i feel this terrible in the time that is meant to be the prime of my life, why would it be better when i'm older?

All the lies I manage carry my whole package people think they know me but what they know is just whatever lie i've told them
I'm not good, I know
I just need to survive
All the crime I habit's wreaking all its havoc onto me now
And I am grateful

What is wrong? No, she should tell me
She's the one who's supposed to be my friend
When I want it all to end
Where is the light? You had one job you were meant to lead me into the light but here i am, still in the dark
To sit there and tell me everything will be alright and you couldn't even do that... hah
And wipe away my tears
Just cry
Just cry

Now that I'm alone
All the words, they seem so pointless on their own
And I'm afraid I'm weak
But what's life if you have any room for sleep? sometimes if i have a long work day or if i work nights i'll stay up longer than i should so i don't feel like i'm wasting time

I'm not well
They can't tell
I thought when I sang that, I heard footsteps I was writing this song in my bedroom and when I played the first 2 lines after I wrote them, I thought I heard footsteps walking toward my room in the hall. Someone coming to refute what I said about them not being able to tell, but it wasn't.
Thought they were running down the hall
To save me before I fall

I'm in Hell
This is a cry for help i always think he can hear every word i sing. either it's not true or it is and he just doesn't care.
I can't feel
I just know despite my pleas and my "please"
He is coming for me

Column down the list of people with me on it
When He wakes up
Beat them where they can't cover up
And I am next on His list
"Kill her with her own fist" lead her to suicide
After dreaming, it's another day it never ends
The other him gives hollow promises worldly males
It's all the same

I'm in Hell
Take this a whine for help
I don't sleep
I die for moments then come up for air and eat i feel most alive when i'm living fake worlds
I know this lesson
But I can't shake this rut and they call it heaven how can God be the solution if he is the problem?
Bask in my wrath
Hold it close before I crack
Leave me be
I just know despite my pleas and my "please"
He is chasing after me

It's so dark now, I can't feel my feet
Running for my life in a field of wheat
It's all inside the plan, right? in what sick dimension is someone not evil for living a life of planning evil things, regardless of the positive things they create?
I make a left and hide
Put on my next disguise I do not know who I am
He can't find me now
Can't shake me down
Now I've got to leave
Right now

When will you finally haunt me? Kill me
Do you see the setting you brought me? how could i not want to die living how i do?
Oh, I see you, and it's blinding
But we won't give in to be hiding
Anymore, anymore

Hey Lord
Hey Lord, I've missed you so
I can't remember the last time we talked as friends
I know it's a lot to ask
We want to be seen
I know it's practically suicide but not really, because it's all your plan, right? v
But I'm already 18 it's a lot when you think about it. too many. Kill me
Let me die, let me die

When will you finally brand me?
Are you seeing the thoughts you grant me? Punish me. Kill me for what goes on in my mind
You're a mystery, and I hate those
You should know that, and I won't be hiding the only solace i have doesn't even care
Anymore, anymore

Hey Lord
Hey Lord, I've missed you so
Know we both remember the last t
ime we spoke i scold you often
Let's not speak of that
I know it's a lot to ask, but we want to be clean
I know it's suicide
But I'm already 18
Let me die, let me die

When will you finally lay me
in the wet grass with my future behind me? Kill me
What's the quarreling moral of the story?
They enrage me, so I won't gift mercy anymore i'm done trying to be good
Anymore, anymore

Ooh, what's the hollowing difference
of a girl already gone? i'm already gone mentally. what's the difference if i'm gone physically
Oh, just trust in, I can do this by myself
I am ready to lose it again
Again

Hey Lord
Hey Lord, I put a bomb in your sword betrayal out of desperation
Hey Lord
Hey! Lord, I'm gonna run away
I know it's a lot to ask
You know this is what I need
I know it's suicide
But I'm already 18
Let me die, let me die

It's been many years
I thought we were meant to be
Do you believe me?
If I say, I say

I can only hear myself anymore
I'm on the floor every night
Can I die?

It's been so long
since I felt the lie of love
I don't believe you
If you say, you say

I am with you, I will not forsake you
I'm overdue every night
Can I die?

And the stance at hand:
You dance in hallways of my evil plans
You knew me before I was guilty
Come with me

I can only see
I'm on my knees every week
Kill me

Do you understand?
What matters is but nothing
It's all fake, created
I know it, and don't I deserve the truth?
Because of you, I'm already gone

What do you do?
What do you say?
Who are you, coming to greet me?
There is no will, so there's no way if there's a will...
What do you know?
Am I a dream?
A show?
What do you see?
Oh, it's just me
Prowling and hiding in the shadows
This is a game
I'm gonna get you!
Have you heard knockings lately
turn out to be nothing then grab you?

What do you do?
What do you hear?
In your ears, I whisper "come find me" intrusive thoughts
And then disappear
What do you see?
Don't lie and say that it's a future without me
Look in the mirror
Like what you see?
No matter, don't fret, don't worry
You'll end up looking just like me
No matter, don't fret, don't worry
You'll end up looking just like me

Wake up
Nine alarms to accompany
One more round day after where i worked at the time is hidden in this line
But at least you're making money
Probably lie in bed for hours
Get up finally and try not to devour

Fake it
They can't see what you don't show
So don't change it
'Cause they won't know

Overthink about things you have to do
Then do nothing at all 'cause it's too much for you
Blame again the ones who love you most
And daily convince yourself you're not a ghost

Go home
Only one contact but it's alrightmy boyfriend was my only friend
And call his phone
Then feel the worst 'cause all he hears is

I can't eat rightme complaining
I can't sleep right
I can't talk right
I can't walk right
I can't feel right
I can't hear right
I can't live right
I can't love right
I can't stay right
I can't leave right

What else is there to say?
There's no dimension that would end with me not feeling this way
What else do I bring?
I ruin everything when my hands lead my body
'Cause they don't know what they're doingi just never know what i'm doing ever. i never feel confident about anything

I cannot exaggerate, I will not use hyperbole
No symbols or hidden meaning to elaborate
I don't need your sorry, I need your help!
Yes, you, call the cops or you'll never find my bodydo it

No escape, no way out
No cracked door or unlocked window
No one comes so no one bailsi guess that's the silver lining
Never try, never fail

What else is there to do?
My thread is on its last inch with my life like a record breaking fool
What else do I sing?
I don't bring anything to the table
You can't lie and say my voice makes a differenceif it did i wouldn't be ignored every day of my life

I cannot exaggerate, I will not overstate
No eggs to find or hidden meaning to elaborate
I don't need your promise, I need your help!
Call the cops, I can't believe that I'm saying this againWHY AREN'T YOU TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY? THERE IS NO OTHER WAY THIS COULD BE INTERPRETED

No escape, no way out
No cracked door or unlocked window
No one's here, so no one bails
Never try, never fail