you're nothing more than a deceitful afterthought
begging for escape in the depths of my fixation
a pitiful excuse of a stare
caught and mangled, torn apart like an acquaintance
though i suppose in war all is fair

you grin like a villain and i'm on fire
bathing in the absence of my problems
dissecting the incessant maximum of interactions
never daring to simply concede them

i am nothing in those melted pools
any lasting effect of mine are nil
and yet your weighty two words are a simple afterthought
while i waste feasible souvenirs

i have to cough.
it's stuck in my throat like words i can't get out.
there's a silence begging to be filled because someone
said something a tad too honest
the frog from my young self's favorite bedtime story
jumped out of book and into my tired mouth.
and i need to sneeze.
it's been held back too long. why should they have to differentiate
between my cough?
yet here it is now, pressing for escape from my lungs
i need to clear my throat.
waiting waiting waiting for it to dissolve, but it doesn't
there's a lead pipe that scarlet red once used to commit crime.
it's in my chest, beating along to my heart as fast as when i look at him.

but i don't want him to notice me.
so i don't cough.
i don't sneeze.
i don't clear my throat.

i don't want to make a scene.

[The] peripheral glare stabs into me repeatedly and I'm bleeding.
I can't look up because it's always been an accident,
yet it is a mistake of relief to me.
My heart tells me to be grateful to be as clumsy as I am,
but it has deceived me far too many times before.
How is this pattern of transparently false hope
helping me succeed?
My brain does not relent
trying to get me to see the truth,
but my heart has had more experience in control.
It knows if i spend 1000 milliseconds of my life
drowning in unknown colors that i will spend the next ten billion
attempting to ascertain them.
It knows that every time [It] even movies,
it struggles to beat.
It knows things about myself
I do not prefer to acknowledge.

and i can't explain why but suddenly all my limbs feel so heavy
i am actually
having trouble
holding
myself
up.
my lips
throat
suffering through an endless drought.
my vocabulary is murdered on my tongue
but my thoughts are still running a marathon in my mind.
they're saying i have never felt this before and what is this feeling
and it's like i truly truly nothing but truly might be dead right now
he's looking
at me.
looks away.
i can breathe again.

one whole second has passed

Two, three, four, five thosand medleys.
My heartstrings, cut clean, one by one.
My mind, a barren field; brain, seeking order.
You have powers, I'm sure, I'm positive -
how am i responsively brain dead?
I can't handle this
I can't handle tgis
I cant handlethisz
I cantha ndlet bis

and you can move things with your mind
you took my heart right out its home
brought it close, you can hear it beat
the moment of tshock before it dies
yet no resistence, no goodbye
you abet, tempt subconsciously, to stay and never leave
do you even understand what a simple glance does to me?

a heart pounds against my chest with a fist
closed so tight i can feel the outline
i wait.
i've learned to be quite patient, i realize.
i wait. i struggle to find the path that leads out of those eyes.
i wait. i've been here one thousand hours, searching for something
to dimish my unworthy ties
i wait. everything matters when nothing matters, i find.
i wait. dust collects in the crevices of my body as i lie
i wait. you never let up, do you?
i'm spent in my mind.
i wait. this shouldn't be fair.
i wait. it should be illegal.
i wait. the crime should be punishable by death.
i wait. and my heart has died.
my lungs
my throat
my bones throw me a funeral
eaten alive by painted ladies stone reads.
i wait. after the service i open my eyes to another pair.
i sigh.

~8:45

i believe your eyes are made of fire
'cause when you look, it seems the holes in mine get bigger
i can't fall apart
l e an i ng
into the dark
how can you see?
i don't want to be another girl you break inevitably

I wake with a tattoo on my body
that reminds me of the promise I was made.
A clear NEVER is sure to do the trick-
whatever I can do to disract the ache.
It reminds me of leaving, abandoning without trying
It is clear somehow, as if invented the day preceding
whatever miracle by with this was produced.
I wake with a tattoo nowhere to be found.

One year, one person, one heartbreak.
Too many chances, two choices, too late.
Many writings, unsuccessful attempts,
and many,
many,
many regrets.
Until a glare turned stare made possible, the chance
of a new future held in the palms of your hands.
Wasting, copy pasting, the feelings I once had,
but made new with the overrule of only Glad.

i wear red to make you stare
i wonder if you notice when i tie up my hair
i single word in a dying earth, you captivate
you wear green, whatever that means
you're only in the color of that jacket, it seems
a single look is all it takes; they're created

painted lady, mourning cloak, cabbage white
several hours of paining breaths to feel alright
i don't want your absence, but your presence is worse
the silence of sentences, helpless reminkscence
but i can't make them go away

i think you've run out of ways to charm me
'cause by now i've seen every perfect thing
have you noticed your eyes smile before your lips can reach them?
is there such a thing more frustrating?

unlearning your name when you don't even know mine
time was spent, wasted, killed with ease between the lines
granted Gift of Feeling but what to do when it's unrequited?
the few months that remain I'm glued to you but I don't mind it

if i told you how much your face lights up
how it makes mine light up too
just at the thought of you
would your world still turn like now?
if i told you i can tell when you smile
just from the back of your head
it sounds creepy, i'm aware
but think before you blame me instead

you've never seen yourself when a joke catches you off guard
the excited expression when something you like is mentioned
you've never seen anyone's subtle smile when they notice you dancing along
or how effortless the world spill when i write a song

tell me how you don't notice me trying to face your way
how you don't see my apparent stares, glares have disappeared, let me say if i knew you, i wouldn't think a day in my life through Mother Nature's gleam of sun or the dead of night but every one would be twice as nice if i could share them with you